What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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