I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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