I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
