I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
