i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
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