You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
