last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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