I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
