i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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