you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
