I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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