And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just blew my weed a kiss
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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