my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
