I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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