Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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