now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
hell yes lets make some ravioli
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
