First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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