**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Randomize
