i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
