Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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