Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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