Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
