You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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