I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize