the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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