mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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