just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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