R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
