i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
