maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
