Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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