peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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