i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
