Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
