you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
