He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
