I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I am available for nakedness
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
