I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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