Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
