I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
