He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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