Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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