i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
