So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
