At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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