Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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