You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
