She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
