Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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