I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize