He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
he just fucked me for my cheese..
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
