I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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