I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
