oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
