Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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