just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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